I’m sitting here.. my last night of six in hospital. Twenty-five nights since diagnosis.
A lifetime ago from the known.
And I wouldn’t change it for a moment.
I was never going to get cancer. It simply wasn’t on my radar. Seriously. Suicide perhaps. Cancer never. I ate clean; my veins are flowing with green power; my anger had melted into the deepest, truest forgiveness. Cancer and Kerri didn’t sit together.
Who would’ve known? But I had cancer. This part of me. Not an alien invader. A part of me that had needed to metamorphasize itself so much that it would catch my attention. An ache in me that hurt so much and was finally feeling safe enough to peep out and say, “I’m here. Please. Please come in and love me. Please heal me. Please.”
This was the first magnificent, brave act and gift my body performed and gave me. She shone. She shone me an apple core lesion because she so desperately wanted to be held. This inner little girl.
The tears are streaming as I type. But a glowing smile radiates through them. So proud of my courage.
Finally, finally I was able to address the depths of my addiction to drama; my holding onto bad relationships; my aching to be the center of attention and valued and loved. These are not adult needs I’m speaking of. These are ingrained, unmet starving cries.
The student was ready. The teacher appeared.
But hadn’t I dealt with this? You know the deal, I’m sure. Been there? Done that? Paid the therapist…
With the greatest certainty I can say that God touched me at the core with this. He offered me the ultimate opportunity to go in and touch not rock bottom, but the core – this core lesion – so that I may shift into the next magnificent chapter of my life. So that I could know and experience love. So that I can value myself enough to attract the highest quality relationships into my life. So that I may truly know how much good I’ve put out there and humbly receive it being returned to me.
And so the healing began. With a smile. With laughter. With kickass, sexy boots and dancing. With red wine. And tears. With frustration and crying. With prayer and contemplation. With faith. With acceptance and surrender. With strength and vulnerability. With a frigging awesome sense of humor. With my brave, beautiful children Avi and Daniella. With my exceptional friends. With my beloved family. With strangers around the world who simply wanted to pour out love and care and light and prayers and even money.
The healing began. The healing continues. It always does.
But I’m shining. I’m glowing. I’m loved and in love. I have been blessed at 39 to get that step closer to everything I dream of. And that which my darling friend Laurel says is already mine.
Learn from me. Let me inspire you. Please.
Embrace life. Allow yourself to shine. See every single incident as the blessing it truly is. Even if you don’t understand it. Especially if you don’t understand it.
You can shine your Soul, your Inner Sparkle, out to the entire world. But when we keep our Inner Child in the darkness, the sparkle is hidden. The magic is withheld. We show glimpses – fleeting wisps of glitter swirling. But the Greatness that is YOU is brighter than anything imaginable.
Your shine is spectacular. It is magnificent. It is your birthright. And more than that… it is our obligation to all humanity.
Believe me. Fly with me. To this beautiful place. Where we all get to shine. Because we chose to do the work; to seize the gift; to feel the feelings; to spread the love always.
I hope I’ve made some sense. I hope you know you absolutely can shine. Your life is a gift darling. If anyone knows how painful it can be, I do. But it’s a gift to goodness. And wholeness. And exceptional peace.
I love you so much…..